There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
