This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
