that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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