I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Pappa wants mamma naked
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
