hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
