if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
