So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Farmville is her only friend.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
