Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
