i think my mom watched the whole time
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
