I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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