yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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