here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So much rum. So many feels.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
