im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
