He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
