need another drink. this is the easiest way
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
