Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
