There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
