It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
