Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
