so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
