i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
