my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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