took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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