My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
