I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
