I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
