Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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