and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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