Betty ford says i'm here all night
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
