Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
