he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
