apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I love you. Go after that dick
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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