your parents love me but you hate me
My friends, they love my intelligence
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
