got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
