I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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