im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
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I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
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you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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