apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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