Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
