i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
