she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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