I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
