That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You ate ashes out of my bong
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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