Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
