she woke up with a sticky ear
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
