It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
