i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
