i can't believe i had my finger in that
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
