did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
