You're earring is so big in my mouth
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
