I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
