I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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