she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
