i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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