last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
