i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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